Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
