I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
