you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize