Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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