U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
