Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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