I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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