I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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