woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I will be naked everywhere
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
