Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
