i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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