she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
