just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize