And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You are a genius and a whore.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
