Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
