And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
