when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
