My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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