just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
