Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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