my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
