So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
His hands were made for my vagina.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
