That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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