I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize