How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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