I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
