Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
