my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Can you bring me the toilet please
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize