I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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