I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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