Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
