My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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