Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
