Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
