she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
