I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
