i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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