While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize