dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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