I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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