Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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