highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
