I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
