I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
