omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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