The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
