Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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