If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
