I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
