He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
