He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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