Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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