I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
