I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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