the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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