I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize