I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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