I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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