Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
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