I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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