Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize