and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
