she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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