my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
