Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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