Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize