im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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