I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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